In My Life as Sitcom…
“In my life as sitcom” started as posts on my Facebook page, and more and more friends starting asking me to keep it together as a blog…or, who knows? perhaps someday a book! So, here it is. Often funny. Sometimes poignant. The life of a single mom/entrepreneur with 3 boys. There are bodily fluids and kid conundrums, kindness, laundry, stories about my 3 boys, dog poop, good karma, and my own bloopers. Laugh, share, enjoy. In a perfect world, this is set up to have the most recent on top and go back in time, but life is not perfect. As new posts are added, you’ll find them here on top. Ohmmm.
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “the state of health care.” I just got off the phone, changing my NY Health Insurance to Ct. Health Insurance. One would think that you could do this online, but no…first you have to hit 100 buttons of choices and then speak to a few people. The final individual with the great power to make the change I requested had three questions for me:
1. My birth date (no problem).
2. Am I pregnant (God, no). (refer back to my birth date??)
3. Am I currently incarcerated (Again, thankfully no). And to be 49, pregnant, and in prison would certainly be a very bad day. Please just change my health insurance address. Thank you
This was all made much better by hearing it in the voice of Monty Python. Try it. Much better.
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Why live my life as sitcom? It adds color and perspective to the mundane and occasionally irritating course of daily living. It takes a snapshot of a day…ordinary or vexing…and through the details, the cartoon thought bubbles, the laughter…suddenly there is comic relief and maybe even a moral to the story. At least a ‘look!’ Thank you for adding living color to my story and for being part of the studio audience!! Happy day to you.
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In my life as sitcom, my good karma juju is still working. I went to sign up for a PO Box, and the guy asked me if I liked or hated any particular numbers for the box. “Nope, just pick a good one that I can reach!” He went and checked (the heights) and returned. How about 420? “That’s my birthday! That’s perfect.” He didn’t believe me until I showed him my driver’s license. What are the chances? Keep channeling the smiles
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In my life as sitcom, I bring you “listen to your mother!!” I’m here at BC, outside 15b in the Mods…with Timmy? No, not with Timmy. Not at all. Timmy had packed up my Jeep with all his stuff and wanted to sleep at his dad’s since he would be spending today with me. No problem. But we need to leave by 8:30 am, Tim. Are you going to meet me at my house or in Boston?
T: We can meet in Boston, mom. But we don’t have to leave that early.
Me: yes, we do. Summer Sunday. Avoid traffic, unload my Jeep, pick up the rental van, move you out of your old house, unload the Van, return the van, and then I still need to drive back to NY…in the Summer Sunday traffic.
T: ok mom…
So when I called Timmy when I stopped to get the new charger, he was still sleeping. Timmy!!!!!
I’m up mom. There isn’t going to be traffic.
2 hours later he called me. Mom. I’m so sorry. There is so much traffic. I should have listened. Next time…
It’s noon. I’m here. He is still 2 hours away according to his gps. Of course, I can’t move him in without him to let me in. Sigh.
This isn’t my first college move in, Tim. It’s my 8th…
I know mom. I should have listened.
Sigh. Good thing I love these boys! Anyone want to meet at BC to have lunch or coffee? Ohmmm
In my life as sitcom, that moment when you realize the kids have taken ALL the charges except for the broken one (and why didn’t they just throw out the broken one instead of leaving it as a tease??) but the Best Buy kiosk at the highway rest stop has just what you need and you are back in business! Ohmmm
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In my life as sitcom, I bring you waves and ripples. Waves surround you and keep coming. Ripples continue outward. The waves are our friends and family. 4 years ago, when Timmy was going up to his freshman orientation, he missed the train home from Boston and suddenly needed a place to stay for an extra night. I called my cousin Tim, who dropped everything, picked Timmy up at the train, and kept him fed and safe for the night, putting him on the train in the morning. The ripples of that good deed? Timmy is now helping Tim to find babysitters among his BC friends. We’ll be up in Boston on Sunday, moving Timmy in to his senior year housing (The Mods, for my BC friends). That was fast!
Tuesday, Jack and I will head down to Virginia. Jack: Mom, what are you going to do when we get there when I have to go to that dinner? Me: I already have a dinner set up with my cousin Margaret and Aunt Margie and Uncle John. Jack: well, that works!
It makes it much easier dropping Jack off so far away, knowing that there are so many relatives right there.
In October, I’m going down to visit Jack for a football game and to take him and his roommate out to dinner, replenish their snacks, etc.
Me: after I take you and Luke to dinner on Friday, you guys can go out because I was invited to a wine tasting.
Jack: you were invited to a wine tasting? How do you already know more people there than I do?
Me: well, in my infinitely small world, my prom date’s best friend from high school lives there and the best friend and his wife invited me.
And of course, there is always someone on standby to fly a phone to Europe when your child loses theirs!!
Waves and ripples. We never stand alone. Just look up and you will see. All will be well. Ohmmm.
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In my life as sitcom, I bring you “Small Town USA.” How small is Pelham? Small enough that when my street name is misspelled AND my name is simply “Ms. Colleen,” the postman still finds me
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In my life as sitcom, this episode is “mail call.” When my mom moved a few years ago, she unceremoniously dropped off boxes of letters, photos and cards. At the time I didn’t even have time to look at them so I unceremoniously stuffed the boxes into my attic for “another day,” as Scarlett O’Hara so eloquently put it.
Well, now I either have to move those boxes or go through them so this weekend, I dove in, sending photos of some of the really funny finds to their authors. I still have a box of letters that were exchanged between my parents when my dad was in Vietnam. I’ve spoken to both and neither of them is ready to read them and neither wants me to get rid of them. Those I have put into a waterproof plastic box and will keep safe until they are ready.
Then there were photos…sorted by year now and ready to be digitized.
There were awards from grammar school and high school and college…my letters of acceptance into the colleges that I didn’t choose to attend, a letter offering me a job in financial services (I didn’t take that route either), and lots of little things that made me laugh as I sorted and purged and kept the things that seemed most important.
But it was the letters and cards that really made an impression on me. Birthday cards to me from my grandparents (who had the most beautiful handwriting), aunts and uncles…now you are 11…now you are a teen, 21! And so on. How lucky to have such a huge family that remembered my birthday each year. While many of these people have passed on, their lessons and love live in my heart and keep my backbone strong. And there were more…notes passed to me in high school (before texting!!), notes slid under my door at Holy Cross, PO Box notes, and letters from high school friends and teachers when I was at Holy Cross, letters from Holy Cross friends after I had graduated…literally hundreds and hundreds of letters. The introvert part of me was nearly overwhelmed by the quantity and consistency…the same group of friends and family loving me decade after decade…and the extrovert part understood that these are the same people that have been cheering me on for most of my life, with new amazing people added along the way. These are the people that allow me to be fearless because I never stand alone. These are the people that inspire the smile because they believe in me and have never let me fall, even when I stumble over my own 2 feet.
Thank you to my sea of friends and family. I don’t look back that often, but when I do, I see you in waves, smiling and cheering and loving. Don’t ever forget how powerful that is…how powerful you are. You have made my life an amazing journey so far and I can’t wait to see what happens next. Namaste.
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I feel like I’m way behind in my life as sitcom updates so here you go….
In my life as sitcom, this month’s special is “filling the empty nest.” (Alternate title suggestions are welcomed). So Jack is leaving…in 34. Timmy will be returning to Boston College for his senior year (that was fast!!). Mark is looking to become a homeowner. And everyone keeps saying, “won’t you be lonely??” Well, no…and here is why. Right now we have the usual cast of characters with Mark’s college roommate Tristan and Tim’s friend Will whom he met in Spain in and out. We have cousin Frankie here this month for his summer internship in NY. And next week, his sister Hanna will be joining us as well for her one-week NY internship. But wait, there’s more! Timmy received a text from my college roommate’s son asking if he too could come and stay for a few weeks. Tim asked me…we did a quick survey and told him we could offer him a couch. So, he’s in too. There will be shower-time sign-ups for sure. So, while my nest will soon be emptying (or so they say) and I am trying to downsize (whatever isn’t currently being slept upon) …I don’t think I really have to worry about ever being lonely. My nest seems to fill to the capacity that I allow. Full house, full life, full heart.
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Happy story time. This episode of my life as sitcom is a compilation…sort of like It’s a Wonderful Life…an overview This is “it’s a charmed life.”
Today I came home from morning clients to find that one of my clients had made three flower pots for my front steps! So pretty and unnecessary…but so appreciated! A small and random act of kindness!
On my way home from clients, I had stopped at our local gas station because the computer on my jeep said that I needed a new right rear signal light. He fixed it right away for me and wouldn’t let me pay…just said he’d see me around and not to worry about it. So unexpected…and kind! Made me smile!
A few weeks ago, same gas station, I needed major work done on my car…brakes, rotors, the works. And what are you going to do? So, yes, do the work. Gulp. I’m sure it will all be fine. As I sat and waited, I got an email from a brand new client who wanted to start right away, three times a week. See why I never worry? Everything has a way of working out. Then the mechanic comes over with the bill, which I looked at. Why does it say -300 at the bottom? Mechanic: that’s your discount. Me: Discount? I get a discount? Mechanic: You have been coming here every week for what…20 years? And every single time…doesn’t matter if it is rainy or freezing or hot or what is going on…every single time you say hello with a big smile and ask how I am doing. You know how many other people do that? Exactly zero. So, yeah. You get a discount. Me: THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Giant smile.
Also a few weeks ago (Jack loved this story because he has seen this happen on other occasions), I was in the city waiting for a friend for dinner so I started chatting with the gentleman sitting next to me at the bar, who was from Geneva. I ordered a glass of wine and started to get my credit card out, but the bartender waved it away. I talked to the Geneva man for a little bit and then my friend came and we ended up eating dinner right at the bar and chatting on and off with Geneva Man. When it was time to pay for dinner, my friend said, “I’m sure you put your card down when you sat down but I want to pay.” I assured him that the bartender didn’t want my card and the bartender nodded. My friend said, “what? In NYC? how is that possible??” But laughed and the bill came. He was looking at it with a perplexed expression…so I asked…is it a lot? Is something wrong? No, nothing was wrong. Geneva Man had paid for all of our drinks before he left so the bill was almost nothing. How is that possible? I laughed. It happens all the time.
Acts of kindness. Acts of beauty. They happen all the time, every day, and they are all miracles. You just have to look up and see them. Talk to people. Ask how they are. Smile. It is a charmed life indeed. (And my clothes were not even on inside out or backwards for any of these!!)
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In my life as sitcom, tonight’s episode is “boy-prom-mom vs girl-prom-mom.” I have never been a girl-prom mom, but I hear that there is dress shopping and shoe shopping and hairdo-trying-out and makeup and accessory shopping way in advance. Possibly months.
Well, Jack is attending a junior prom tomorrow, as in the night after tonight. I am flying out in the morning. Naturally. But my mother and Mike and Red Sox Ross will be here to be his Kodak Convention so that is taken care of. Hopefully someone will feed Bandit, and there will not be another squirrel invasion.
For weeks, I have reminded Jack that he needs a suit for tomorrow. I think that he wore one of Timmy’s suits last year, but Timmy’s suits are either in Boston or Spain right now. Jack assured me that he could wear one of his dad’s suits. I reminded Jack that he is a good 3 or 4 inches taller than his father. He was certain that this was not a problem.
Yesterday, he tried on a suit. It didn’t fit. Shocker. Mark’s roommate Tristan is the same size as Jack and had a suit that he was willing to let Jack borrow…but it had stains on the butt. From the subway. I am not questioning or investigating the origin of the stains. Mom, can you get the stains out and press the suit before you leave on Friday? Yes, Jack. Or I will try anyway.
Ok. Got the stains out. Miraculously. Where is the suit coat, Jack? Oh, that is still at their apartment. I’ll go get it. Ok…and you have a belt that matches?
No! But I will borrow one. Do you think that Mark has brown shoes?
Mark DOES have brown shoes but you need to ask him if it is ok.
(via text…Jesus, Jack, last minute! But yes, you can borrow them).
Ok…and what shirt are you going to wear?
Not a problem, Mom!! I borrowed a great shirt that goes with the suit. You just have to (please) iron it.
Just iron?
Yes.
Where is it?
Hanging in my room.
I go. I am suspicious of this shirt. I think it needs more than ironing. I can’t help myself. I lean in and smell the armpits. This was a mistake. I know better than to smell the armpits of a young man’s shirt.
The shirt goes into the laundry and will be pressed…shortly.
Oh, and mom…? Did you order her a flower?
Yes, Jack. And I left out the cash. Don’t forget to pick it up. And remember….
I know, Mom. When I get married I can’t have anyone else but me order flowers for my wife. But thank you for doing it this time.
My mother will remind you. You can’t forget the flower.
Jack: why would you think I would forget?
Me: Let’s just finish going through this…so you will get the shoes and socks and belt from Mark.
Jack: oh wait!!! socks!!! I wanted to go get special prom socks!!
Me: Seriously? You have 400 pairs of socks.
Jack: but I wanted new socks to match the bow tie you got for me.
Me: You realize that the prom is TOMORROW, right?
Jack: Mom please!!
Me: ok…so you need to buy prom socks, pick up the flower, borrow the belt and the shoes and pick up the suit coat while I press the pants and shirt. If you pick up the suit coat tomorrow after I have left, you are on your own…
It’s just the same for girls, right???
Did I mention that I love these boys? Thank you Tristan for the suit. Thank you to whomever owns the formerly stinky but now clean shirt. Thank you to Mark for the shoes and probably the belt. Thank you to Brooks Brothers for having socks cool enough for the prom. And thank you to my mom and Red Sox Ross for taking pictures and holding down the fort so I can go to Nashville for 36 hours
Ohmmm.
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In my life as sitcom, there is a squirrel in the basement. Willing to release him on his own recognizance after this breaking and entering offense The rest of the script is still unwritten. Stay tuned…
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “unexpected hairy ass.” You might want to put your coffee down before you inadvertently snort it through your nose.
So, it all started out well enough with texts back and forth to Mark that we were going to meet at the gym at 5 am. Checked in, grabbed a towel, and was dashing to the locker room to maximize my Mark time, when I was too focused on the workout to notice the giant handwritten sign. I walked into the locker room and was so surprised to see the back of a naked man. I thought…no, I must be wrong, it must be a woman…or he is in the wrong locker room…. just keep going. Second bay of lockers, second naked butt. Not female. Why do men just stand there naked? Women are constantly draped in towels and robes or we change at home. Anyway, now I’m thinking…2 naked men…something is amiss. Get me out of here!!
And dressed all in pinks and pastels, it’s not like they wouldn’t notice that I was NOT a man, but luckily I walk very quietly. Zip to the hallway where I finally see the sign. I think that at 5 am there should be locker-room-traffic-control if they are switching the men’s and women’s locker rooms!! A human with neon batons.
And it is not like I am against “the naked.” It is the “unexpected naked in public” that rather freaks me out at 5 am… or pretty much at any time.
When Mark saw me walking into the weight room laughing and shaking my head, he said, “there’s a story there.” Yup.
So if it was you that I surprised in the locker room, I apologize!!! Hoping that the rest of my day is less eventful. I did get a great pre-dawn workout in though Happy Naked Friday!
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In my life as sitcom, I owe you the story of “the man with the knife.”
I was on a journey of good karma, where everything appeared to be working in my favor. The day was sunny. I had successfully dropped off a “new to him” phone for Timmy, which would be hand-delivered to him in Spain. I was headed to meet a fabulous life-coaching client and then staying with cousins, followed by a day of health and wellness discussion in the US Chamber of Commerce and lunch with a dear friend from Holy Cross. What could possibly go wrong?
I stopped at a rest stop in NJ to get gas and to buy water for the trip. There was a vending machine for water outside on the sidewalk, even faster and better! Fantastic!
Except that as I did not have any bills smaller than $20, I decided to use my debit card. Better tracking of expenses anyway. No problem. And here is where everything fell apart. I put my card in, feeling so happy. Nothing. No water came out, and now my card was stuck in the water vending machine. Hmmm. Not as planned. I was standing there looking quizzically at the machine, and a nice young woman with very long fingernails stopped to see if she could help by utilizing said long nails. She did try her best, to no avail.
A man around my age also stopped. Now we were a crowd looking at the vending machine. The man inquired as to what the conundrum was, and I explained that I was happy to get water inside, but I really didn’t want to leave my card half-in, half-out of the machine. And then he pulled a switchblade out of his pocket. So shiny in the cold sunshine. My heart stopped for a second and the long-nailed woman and I froze. Inside my brain, you would have heard chanting: good karma good karma good karma.
The man leaned towards the machine with his knife, stuck it into the credit card slot, and my card popped out. He handed me my card…
And my heart started pounding again!! I told him he had earned 1000 gold stars for his good deed, and he had the widest grin on his face to hear that. He said he hadn’t earned a gold star in a long time, but he liked the sound of that. Smiles all around.
I decided I did not need water after all and proceeded on my journey. So, to the man with the knife that saved the day, thank you…and I’m sorry that I doubted your intentions for a moment!!
The end.
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In my life as sitcom, thank you to the man with the knife who saved me at the rest stop. I told him he earned 1000 gold stars for his good deed, and he said that was the best thing he had heard in a while…with a big smile
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “you can’t judge a book by its cover.”
Jack: mom. What’s up with the diaper box on the porch? Do you have something to tell me???
Me: funny Jack. It’s for Mark.
Jack: WHAT????????
Me: did you look IN the box? They are finance books. For Mark. Not baby diapers.
Jack: but why IN a diaper box?
Me: the person that the books are from has a baby and doesn’t need the books.
Jack: so no one is having a baby.
Me: no babies. Just books.
Jack: well, that’s a relief!
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In my life as sitcom, I bring you “knee jerk reaction.” You know it has been a long knee saga. Last meet ended in the ER. 2 surgeries. 16 months of rehab. Jack walks back into the house post-meet (and I was there for most of the meet thinking all is well). Jack: mom, look at my knee. Me:(thinking OMG WHAT???). And then this happened…. I must have done something good… (Jack had drawn a heart on his knee that said “MOM”)
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In my life as sitcom, this episode is “the family tree.” Funny how personality traits can be passed down as well as eye color, noses, and smiles. My dad and Jack are so much alike in so many ways. If you meet them, they are charming, funny, kind, and on the quiet side…especially until you get to know them well. They assess the situation before speaking. And then you put them in a competition. Running, soccer, lacrosse…. Jack’s nickname from his coaches has always been “Jack Attack.” He is fierce and focused, as is my dad. There is never a day of not giving it 200%. There is never a day when you don’t push it to the limit. Sometimes it is a little blurry where that limit is and you cross the line and get hurt. My dad crashes his bike sometimes. Jack didn’t notice the pain 2 years ago when his knee was cracked in pieces and continued to play goalie. It wasn’t until after they won the game and we were home that he mentioned that his knee was a little sore. I’m not exactly sure what happened yesterday other than Jack was in a meet, giving it all he had as usual, and afterwards his other knee (not the one operated on) was in enough pain to go to the hospital. X-ray was negative. If it still hurts today, we’ll get an MRI and see…And for a moment this morning, I thought “I have to teach him not to cross that line…to pull back before he gets hurt.” And then I realized that it is not possible. It is easier for me to see it in my dad. When people sometimes say that he should stop racing, I know that he should race until he dies, even if racing itself sometimes threatens his safety, because he is most fully alive then. The same is true for Jack. I could try to dampen his fire. Hopefully I would fail…hopefully because if I succeeded, I would be taking away something that is intrinsically Jack. The fire that I work so hard to build in everyone else, the passion for living their best most present life, scares me in Jack because sometimes he gets hurt. But that is my fear, not his. Better for me to train his body to be strong enough and balanced enough to keep up with that fire than to lower the flames. Parenting is not for the meek.
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#tbt (2010) In my life as sitcom, this episode was “what’s in a name?” My dad wanted me on his ski team for NYMC but he couldn’t remember what last name I picked so he got me a sweatshirt with each. (When I had told him that I changed my name, he asked “to what?”…not so many choices, dad!!) As we approached the gate of the race course, I was a little nervous since I hadn’t raced since before having children…which was 17 years at that point. Any advice, dad? “Yes. Ski fast.” I got the silver medal. Oh…and I won as “Walsh”
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “the most important lesson.” First though, a word from our sponsors: Timmy’s luggage has made its way from South Africa to Spain and is now back in his possession, thus concluding “Naked and Abroad.” Back to our regularly scheduled program….in discussing organ donation (within the family) with Mark, I said that I would definitely without hesitation give any of the boys one of my kidneys…and at least part of my liver. Mark’s response? “Well, Mom, we already have your whole heart.” If they all truly know that, my job is done. Yes, boys. You have my heart.
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In my life as sitcom, today’s issue is “Working Mother Guilt.” Jack is home sick today. Jack: mom, where are you going? Me: I have middle school fitness to run now. Jack: And then you’ll be home? Me: No then I have a personal training client at their house. Jack: And then you’ll be home? Me: No, then I have to be Town Clerk at the Town Board Meeting. Jack: so WHEN will you be home? Me: Probably around 9 pm. Jack: WHAT WILL I EAT FOR DINNER?? (so, he must be recovering….) Me: I already made a pot of chili for you. Jack: oh. Why do you have to work so much? Me: what month is it Jack?? Jack: January. Oh. Right. Ok, mom. Thanks for making my dinner in the middle of all of that. (I must have done something right to get the thank you in the middle of all that guilt!!) Ohmmm. At least my clothes are on in the correct direction.
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Ready for some comic relief on a rainy Saturday? In my life as sitcom, I bring you “Working on Life Skills.” So I went out in the city with an old college friend whom I only get to see every few years. I was rushing to get dressed because the new refrigerator delivery was problematic, requiring removal of doors, molding, etc. So finally the fridge is in, Bandit calms down since he no longer has to defend me from the scary refrigerator in the living room, and I am rushing to make my train. Make the train, find my friend, and off we go to Ground Zero, the Observatory Deck, and a lovely dinner. Not until 3/4 of the way through the evening when I was in the ladies’ room did I realize that my pencil skirt was on not only inside out but also upside down. You can’t make that up. My friend claims he hadn’t noticed but we had a good laugh about it. Good to be with people who have known you since Day-Glo tights and big hair were the rage. Ohmmm. #pencilskirtproblems #dontleavemeunattended
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in my life as sitcom, today’s episode was “Guardian Angels Are Everywhere.” The boys will tell you that we rarely go anywhere (in the world…not just Pelham) without bumping into someone that I know. Also, strangers quickly become friends. First, my brother Kevin and I entered the hospital together, immediately making friends with the security guard James, who escorted us all the way to where we needed to be. Later in the day, I was waiting for the restroom, and I think that someone must have just locked it by mistake or there was a fugitive hiding in there because it was locked FOREVER. So, I decided to wander around to see if there was some other restroom on the surgical floor. As I meandered on my search, I bumped into a good friend of mine who happens to be a surgeon at that hospital and inquired why I was there. After telling him what was going on (and yes, he immediately said, “what a LUCKY crash your dad had!!”), he brought me to the special secret surgeon restroom AND just texted me that he has already popped in to visit my dad and that all seems to be going very well. As I left the parking lot, the security guard told me that I didn’t have to pay. (that NEVER happens!!) I had to leave my brothers standing watch so I could run the middle school rugby fitness after school program and am now off to my client with cancer and then 2 hours of boys’ varsity rugby in the weight room. Knowing that there are guardian angels in the hospital waiting to do everything from bring me where I need to be and look out over my dad…and all over the world sending good karma and prayers…makes days like these into a good story instead of a stressful event. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!! And I hold firm to the belief that I have the very best brothers in the world. Funny, loyal, supportive. The best. Namaste!
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In my life as sitcom, this episode is “Hobo Joe.” The STORY is that Timmy went to a party with his brand new Timberlands on. As the weather was bad, everyone removed their shoes. He was one of the last to leave…and there were the only very old boots left at the door. Me: but what happened to your new boots? Tim: they are just gone. Me: just gone? Forever?? Tim: it would seem so. For a year, he has walked around in these hobo boots, hoping the new boots would come back like the prodigal son. I think he has done his penance and that I need to have a word with Santa…
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “lessons from sesame street.” Remember the song “put down the ducky” from Sesame Street? In that song, Ernie wants to play the saxophone, but the ducky keeps getting in the way…and yet it is so difficult for Ernie to put down that little duck. Ultimately he succeeds in temporarily putting the ducky down and making great music. This song helped me immensely in trying to find a way to make my workouts with my client who is very ill more meaningful. I will confess that the first few workouts after he was diagnosed were truly difficult. My heart was aching for them and I had a lump in my throat. All 3 of us had tears just barely held back by eyelashes and occasionally a renegade tear made a run for it down our cheeks. In my head: C’mon Colleen. You are going to find a way to make this better. THINK!!!!! I meditated and prayed a LOT. And finally what came to me was: put it down. Put down the ducky. Put down your sadness. Put down your fear of losing your friend and client. And perhaps, for that one hour, he can put down cancer. So, I put down what I could at the door and bravely asked him to put his cancer down for the hour. At first, he looked at me like I was coo-coo for cocoa puffs, but I explained that while we agreed that the disease was not going to disappear for an hour, if we could push it out of our heads for the one hour and really focus on having fun with exercise again…for just one hour…it was worth the experiment. It was wildly successful. Neither he, nor his wife, nor I cried that day. He lifted more weight than the week before. His wife had a better workout too. The next week, he reported feeling more hopeful…not hopeful that the cancer would go away…but hopeful that that day would be a good day. Happy that he was still here and spending time with his family. Healthy in that he could still exercise with me. Hope, health, and happiness. He went out and bought an Apple watch. He is tracking his fitness again. He added an additional workout with me to each week…again, knowing that this would not miraculously be a cure but because on our days, he feels better. His head is clearer. He is more focused on being with his family and less on how he feels and how much time he has left. And it made me think…isn’t this how all of us should live as much of the time as possible? Can we put down our problems and fears, big and small, to be more fully present with those that we love? It’s just a thought. I know it is difficult. But I can tell you, those hours I spend with this client are no longer weighed down by a million pounds of sadness. We even laughed today. And so life, while sometimes devastating, can still be beautiful. Namaste.
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Comic relief always arrives just in time. In my life as sitcom, this episode is “Little House on the Prairie.” My dad: I would like to learn how to make soap. Me: that’s great, Dad. That should be fun! Dad: yes. So I ordered a box of soap-making supplies and had it delivered to your house. I thought we would learn together. Me: that’s great, Dad…. And the box has arrived. Stay tuned for the Adventures of Pa and Half Pint as we make soap
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In my life as sitcom, this episode is “distracted mama.” Timmy: do we have any extra Tupperware? Me: yes, in the drawer of sports cars. Timmy: WE HAVE A DRAWER OF SPORTS CARS??? Me: what? No. Sports bottles. The drawer of sports bottles. Timmy: I like the idea of a drawer of sports cars better. Me: me too. Sigh
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “radio mouth mama.” Weaving through traffic from Manhattan to home after picking Jack up from his fun weekend with his brother at BC…
Jack: you should have your own radio show, mom.
Me: me? What would it be about? Kale with Colleen?
Jack: (laughing) no mom. If you just keep talking the way you do at home and in the car…the running commentary. I would listen to that over music any day. It’s the funniest thing.
Me:(in my head) ….so glad he had a good time but even more grateful that my biggest fan is back in the house #happymama
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Another little story…my brother Ryan reminded me of this one yesterday. In my life as sitcom, this one is “breakfast of champions.” I was in Rochester at my in-laws’ house…probably 22 or 23 years old. It was 7 am, and they were all sitting around the breakfast table when I walked into the kitchen in my pajamas with my allergy pill in hand. I’ve always been terrible at swallowing pills and need a big glass of water or juice or whatever I am going to use to get it down. So, I said hello to everyone and walked to the refrigerator and poured myself a large glass of what I thought was iced tea, throwing the pill to the back of my tongue, and swallowing the drink down. My father in law nearly fell off of his chair laughing as my eyes teared and I started coughing, throat burning. “What was that??” I gasped. “Well, Hun. That is a Manhattan.” I thought I was going to die. They thought it was the funniest thing they had ever seen. And no, I never lived down doing shots in front of them at 7 am in my pajamas. I went and laid down for about 4 hours My father in law had a full-body laugh that made everyone around him belly laugh too.
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “bait and switch.” It’s time to choose Jack’s high school yearbook pose (impossible that it is already here!) …went online to click on the photo that matches the one Jack had left on my desk yesterday…but only Timmy’s head shots were in the account online. That moment when I almost just put Timmy’s picture in for Jack’s because I’m exhausted…. But common sense prevailed and I was able to upload Jack’s handsome face. #thirdchildproblems
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “laundry lunacy.” This morning, Jack put on one button-down shirt when I was upstairs, but he came downstairs in a different button-down shirt. Me: What happened to the first shirt? Jack: well, it smelled like body odor…I must have already worn it. Me: Ok, so where is that shirt now? Jack: I hung it back up because you don’t like when I leave my clothes on the floor. Me: But…it isn’t going to smell better by hanging in your closet…. Jack: I thought maybe it would get aired out there. Me: Really? Jack: or…well…that you would wash it for me…. (I fear for his laundry situation next year when he is at college…, truly…but I DO appreciate that he isn’t leaving his clothes on the floor. Putting away dirty clothes wasn’t really the lesson I was looking to teach though). Sigh
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In my life as sitcom, tonight’s episode was “things that go bump in the night.” I was sound asleep and heard a giant crash of noise and broken glass. My bedroom is on the 3rd floor and it sounded like the noise was on the first floor. Meanwhile, super-ears Bandit had jumped up…tail and ears up…and then gave me the “all clear” look. Seriously, how was that nothing? Bandit are you SURE no one just broke in? He curled up, non-plussed. If only I could trust my instincts that well in the middle of the night!! Of course I had to investigate…checking all the doors and windows (thinking… And what ARE you going to do if there is a bad guy down there??…hoping Bandit was right). So, my 13 lb. guard dog was correct. Art had fallen off the wall and smashed on the hard wood floor. Everything else was untouched so it looks like it just fell. Bizarre. After cleaning up the mess, I brought Bandit a treat and now hope to get my heart to stop pounding so I can sleep. Good boy, Bandit. Ohmmm
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In my life as sitcom, different parts and times of my life often collide. The boys tease me all the time that we never go anywhere without bumping into someone I know and that I never forget anyone I have met…and my brother Kevin often meets people who say, “oh, I know your sister.” So apparently down on Wall Street today, a photographer was asking for my brother’s name when the photographer next to him said “that’s Kevin Walsh, I know his sister!” Lol. Our neighbors whom we haven’t seen since we moved in 1975!! I was reconnected with them via Facebook a few years ago when my cousin Danny’s wife commented on a photo…and my neighbor Bridget recognized me (from 1975…not bad!!) because Bridget and my cousin’s wife worked together!! Now keep that all straight!
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Update for the upcoming season of my life as sitcom: Red Sox Ross will be moving back in while his beautiful bride attends graduate school!! We’re looking forward to much smack talk as the Red Sox crash and burn and the Patriots…well, get in their own way of success Jack and I were chatting about all the people who have lived with us through the years, and we really have been very blessed with all of the different ways they have made our story better. Never boring here!!
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “Tomorrowland.” When your child comes home at 4:30 am as you are getting ready for work and is discussing “tomorrow,” remember that their tomorrow is your today. They mean “after I sleep”…during which you will do 7 workouts and they will roll over. As you finish today and they awake, it begins their tomorrow. No wonder I’m so tired…:) It was like a Marx brothers show. I’ll see you tomorrow. You mean later today? Yeah, when I wake up. Tomorrow Monday? No. Tomorrow Sunday. Ohmmm May all your todays and tomorrows be sunny and bright, even when today and tomorrow happen at the same time
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “and when will you be home, young lady?”…. which is an ongoing theme. First my parents and now my teens pose the same questions as I prepare for my high school reunion and after-festivities. Where are you going? Who will be there? When will you be home? When I grow up, I will be able to leave the house without an inquisition
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In my life as sitcom, sometimes I wish it was a book instead of reality tv so I could skip ahead a few pages and see how it all plays out. Jack woke up with swollen glands. Timmy is having surgery right now. And, both my magic carpet and cloning machines are in for repair. I know that somehow this is all going to work out. After these messages, we’ll be right back…
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In my life as sitcom, today is “hot mess”…73% humidity and I’m sweating just drying my hair…but I’m off to become the mother of a college graduate, and I am so very proud of my baby boy!!
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is called “not dead.” My car didn’t feel right (front driver side tire felt weird) so I brought it in to be looked at after my 5:15 am client and walked home. Just got the call from Nicky, yelling at me to tell him SOONER when it doesn’t feel right, as something was wrong with the ball bearings (this is when my eyes glaze over and he could be speaking Greek) and something and blah blah blah but the tire was going to fall off and apparently then I would be dead, in his scenario. The downside is $1100. Focusing on the upside, in which I am not dead, but still being scolded. I would like to set the bar higher… Perhaps not only “not dead” but also safe and happy. I wish that there was an auto-mechanic class in my all-girls high school…at least a vocabulary class so that I would be more familiar with the vernacular. Just. Keep. Going.
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is called “a matter of closure” or “flash dance. “I have a favorite blouse that I wore to Mark’s honors awards ceremony. It is very pretty and it has this hidden zipper in the front that closes it. Love it. So, as we sat in the auditorium waiting for Mark to be called to the stage to receive his award, I suddenly felt cool air on my stomach. The bottom of the zipper had “failed” and my top was barely held together at the top. Awesome. Nothing like a wardrobe failure at the zenith of your child’s academic career. Sitting between my mother and Jack, I was desperately trying to fix it without drawing any attention to myself…without success. I clutched the front of my top together and tried not to move or breathe. Good times!! You have never seen anyone whip their jacket on faster once we could stand up! Today, I finally brought the top to the dry cleaners to see if they could replace the zipper or repair it in some way, as it is my favorite top. The man looked very carefully and finally stated that the labor would cost more than the top since the zipper was inside all the seams, etc. I must have looked disappointed at the news because he quickly said…unless you are able to pull it on over your head? You don’t need it to be open to wear it? Yes, I can pull it over my head. Ok, hold one moment. He whipped out a needle and thread and did microsurgery on the bottom of the zipper. When he was finished, he said “no more problems with this zipper.” I was so relieved!! How much do I owe you? No charge. Just that smile. Me: really? No, how much? He said, truly, my pleasure. Enjoy the top. Wow!!!!!!! That never happens. All by 8:15 am. Happy happy day! Good karma for everyone!
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is called “The Look.” As someone surrounded by brothers and sons, it is honestly easy for me to forget sometimes that girl drama exists. It does infiltrate our camp from time to time.
Child: Not sure how pre-prom pictures are going to play out.
Me: Why? What’s up?
Child: Mean Girl doesn’t want GF to be there.
Me: Is it her house? Is she the date of the person whose house it is?
Child: No…
Me: Then I think Mean Girl doesn’t get a vote.
Child: Mom, you don’t understand. She’s really mean.
Me: You don’t have to worry, Jack. I’ll be right there.
Child: But you can’t say anything to her! Or her mom!
Me: I won’t need to say anything.
Child:??
Me: I have The Look.
Child: The Look?
Me: Yes. All mothers have it. If someone gets too threatening or too close to someone we care about, they get The Look. This will stop any bully in their tracks. And trust me, I have faced far more dangerous bullies than a 16-year-old girl in heels and a prom dress. AND, if she is so foolish as to proceed without heeding MY Look, remember that MY mother will be there too and her Look could kill you in your tracks.
Child: seriously?
Me: Oh yes. Ask your uncles. Hers is very strong.
Child: Do men have “The Look?”
Me: No. Men have The Word.
Child: The Word?
Me: yes. Something short, but powerful. Often “Enough!” Do not proceed beyond the Word or the Look. It won’t end well.
Child: So pictures will be fine?
Me: Pictures will be fine. Ohmmm.
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is called “Shopping.” People that know me well know that I detest shopping. A necessary evil at best. But if every shopping adventure went like today, that might change. First, I went to Westchester Road Runners where a young man inquired if he could help and had I been there before? The owner laughed and said “that is THE Colleen Walsh. She has been buying her shoes here since she was 10. Look her up in our computer.” So he looks me up and seems impressed enough, adding “oh, you’re Bill Walsh’s daughter…and it says you have THE Colleen Walsh discount!” Yep. Off he goes to get my brand and model and returns with these…”I didn’t ask what color you wanted but you seemed purple.” Well, Chu chu rah rah! Perfect. I needed to speak with their homeopathic specialist about one of my clients and he comes out and gives me a big hug. “how are you? How is your dad? And what have you been up to because you exude peace!” How nice!! Exuding peace may just trump looking pretty!! All set there and off to buy a gift. Into the jewelry store I go, and ask to see a selection…find something lovely but higher than I anticipated.” What were you looking to spend?” I tell her, thinking she will show me something else. “That’s fine. I can give you that price.” Pretty sure I’m on candid camera or something as the price I named was 53% of the listed price. Wow. Exude peace!! Good things happen!! Ohmmm
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In my life as sitcom, yesterday’s episode was “Mayberry.” It was Jack’s first-ever job interview, and he was nervous. His original ride to the interview also fell through. Being Mayberry, I was able to get a second ride with someone he knows and trusts AND a standby-backup (thank you to my good friends!!) just in case. We texted back and forth and I assured him that it was going to be fine. Afterwards, I got this text….”Mom, I rocked it. First question: what is your name? Second question; oh! You are Colleen’s son? We love Colleen!!” Lol. There is never a moment when I question whether raising the boys in Pelham was a good idea. Mayberry at its finest. It takes a village Back to Ohmmm…
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “always prepared.” Time to change Jack’s surgical bandages and we were out of the normal gauze so I found eye patches in the first aid basket, which were the perfect size. Jack: mom why do we have eye patches? In case someone actually loses an eye? That’s so weird!! Me: no… remember Timmy had eyelid stitches from splitting his eyelid open in basketball? Waste not, want not!! So if you see Jack with eye patches on his knee, you’ll understand.
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “Hot Mess.” I had made tea, picked up the cup, and the cup exploded into pieces, burning my foot through my sneaker and getting hot tea and glass all over the floor. As I ran to get a towel to clean it up, Bandit thought he would help by peeing all over the nearby table cloth and floor. Awesome. Nothing like cleaning scalding tea, broken glass and urine before treating your burn. #laundryismylife
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “The Glamorous Life.” Sometimes being a loving mother includes but is not limited to scraping dog poop out of your injured son’s Timberland treads with a knife and then sterilizing everything…without gagging…well…just gagging a little…while said injured child intermittently laughs and also gags just a little.
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Visiting UVM for a college interview…In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is another in the “it’s a small world” series. We got out of the car and a petite woman approached us: are you Colleen? Me: yes…? Jane: I’m Jane, I recognized your voice. We spoke on the phone about Jack! Let me show you where you need to go for your interview.
Jack looked at me: you have some aura, mom.
Interview, meeting up with the children of 2 different high school friends, info session, tour, drive to MA. Go!
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In my life as sitcom, tonight’s episode is survival of the fittest. I get out of the shower (at 4:30 pm) to Timmy telling me he ate all the chili.
All?
Yes, it was amazing!
But you left some for Jack right? That was to be dinner, not a snack.
Jack needs dinner?
Um yes. Every day.
…. making dinner #2 before rugby. I love these boys!
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In my life as sitcom, tonight’s episode is called Mayberry. Only in small town America can one person be the boys’ rugby strength coach, Past President of the Junior League and Town Clerk within 45 minutes. One phone booth will be required for the quick clothing-change. Extemporaneous speaking will be necessary.
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In my life as sitcom, Jack had mentioned to me yesterday that his friend’s mother told him that she was attending an event that I was going to be speaking at. As I am not currently scheduled to speak at any upcoming local events, I was sure that he just misunderstood. Then I received an email newsletter today listing me as the speaker. I’m sure that everything I will have to say will be fascinating. My life is nothing short of an adventure
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Rather than “in my life as sitcom,” I bring you “a dramatic mini-series.” Sometimes we have stories of our own, and sometimes we are merely the keepers of the story until it is safe to tell. The latter is the case today. I have been asking for positive thoughts and good karma for my youngest brother Ryan (yes, same one that was hit by a cab 2 years ago) …but this time it wasn’t for health-related reasons, but a story that is so surreal, it is falls into the “can’t make this stuff up” category.
Before Thanksgiving, Ryan was walking down the street in his Brooklyn neighborhood when a heroin-addict that my brother had called 911 for in the past stopped him to tell him that people were watching Ryan in his apartment. Now, given the source, it was hard to know whether to take it seriously, but the gentleman seemed very intent on delivering his message.
A few days later, my brother noticed something shiny/glaring inside his air conditioner…which did indeed turn out to be a camera. Creepy. Weird. Inexplicable. After discussions with NYPD and our FBI contacts, Ryan purchased cameras and audio equipment himself to see if anything could be captured…some explanation as to why there were cameras…In his kitchen. In his bedroom. Bizarre. Our FBI contact was furious (it is possible he has the same flammable hair that I have, although not the same hue). Ryan was on watch after this, never quite comfortable but also finding it hard to believe that this was really happening.
Until December 17. That was the day that Ryan’s recording efforts produced the conversation between a drug-addicted and agitated neighbor and the neighborhood drug-dealer in which they discussed that Ryan had to be killed for going to the police to report that they were spying on him. Why were they spying on him? We tried to figure this out until we realized that the behavior of drug-addicts and insane people cannot be put into rational categories or trains of thought. It is not worth the time to figure out because it doesn’t help. It doesn’t matter why. The point was that these two angry and deranged people had decided to have my brother killed and were discussing the fee. All on tape. Ryan called me…. could they come stay? Could I keep their whereabouts under wraps while they got this sorted out and were safe again? Yes, of course. Come now. And my girlfriend? And the cats? Yes. All. Come now. I’ll get a room ready for you.
They went to the police first, but Brooklyn police stations are busy places and there are a lot of people complaining about neighbors. But this is serious! You’ll have to come back tomorrow. And so they moved in.
We were SO happy to have the time to spend together…I just kept telling them I was sorry for the circumstances of their visit…but that they were welcome and safe and could stay as long as they needed to. You may see a 37-year-old man when you look at Ryan. I see my little brother, 10 years my junior, whom I pushed in his stroller and took to the playground and would defend against any bully, any day. Hair on fire.
A few days later, 2 police officers were assassinated in Brooklyn. This was not the right time to get their attention about his issue, and they were safe with us. Again the FBI guided him in what to do to stay safe, and then finally NYPD could take a copy of the tapes and the transcript and file all the paperwork necessary. It seems that “bad neighbor” may be deported. We’ll see.
Meanwhile, it wasn’t exactly safe to go back and pack everything up. My brother found a moving company that only employs Veterans…he gave them the whole story so that they would understand the circumstances, and they were undeterred. They went in, packed them up, and moved them to their new apartment during that horrible ice storm. Go Veterans!!
Every night after work, they went to their new apartment to start to make it feel like a home after such a nightmare. And now, despite Ryan being in pain every day from his cab-accident, despite death threats from crazy people who had paid other crazy people to kill him, and despite the wildest snow storm ever, they are safe in their new home. I wish them all the best karma and positive energy and love. And don’t worry, Ryan, your big sister will ALWAYS be looking out for you. Stay safe!! We love you!!
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is “Sick Child Needing to Stay Home from School” which starts with 10 texts during one of my early morning appointments explaining his symptoms and begging to stay home, pushing the Guilty Mother button. It seems that the days that I most need Mary Poppins to arrive via umbrella are the same days that my children need me to BE Mary Poppins. Channeling my spoonful of sugar. All will be well.
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In my life as sitcom, my 10-year-old client:
10: can you have hamsters in college?
Me: It depends on the college but if you really wanted one, you could probably get away with it as long as your roommate didn’t complain.
10: When I’m in college, I’m going to have a golden hamster and name it Colleen and it will be a very nice hamster that never bites people and I’m going to get a hamster wheel for it so the hamster can run all day long and be happy.
Me: Are you going to turn me INTO a hamster or get a hamster named after me??
10: (doubled over laughter.)
So…either he loves me so much he wants to bring me to college with him in 8 years or hates me so much he wants to turn me into a rodent that is forever stuck on the hamster wheel of life I prefer the former!
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A commercial break from my life as sitcom…just got endorsed for “awesomeness” on LinkedIn…Not sure those endorsements count for anything but it certainly made me smile ear to ear! Now back to our regular programming…
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is called “Possession is 9/10 of the Law”…Mark is coming home to help me winterize the house…and he is about to see what Jack did to his room….
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In my life as sitcom, Jack is taking an SAT and the houseguests are still sleeping so when the doorbell rang, I quickly answered it…to see that it was mail…for the houseguests. Maybe they are staying for a while. I better buy more food.
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In my life as sitcom, some of Jack’s friends from camp are staying here…only Jack was not here for their arrival. He thought they were landing at 6 pm last night…by 7:30 I texted him to see if he had heard anything. He thought that they now might be taking off at 7 pm. Me: where are they coming from?
Jack: I’m not sure…maybe Seattle or Chicago or they may have gone home to London.
Me: you know those places are not close to each other?
Jack: I’m aware.
Me: ok…tell them I will leave the door unlocked and towels and everything out but I have to be out of the house by 5 am.
Jack: ok, thanks.
So….I get up at 4 am and they were in the shower (so I’m thinking they were coming from Europe and their jet lag is setting in?) …and now I’m back briefly at 6:15 and they are gone for the day…I wonder what sights they are hoping to see in the dark in Manhattan? Hmmm. I don’t know where they are from, what their names are, or really anything…Jack clearly caught me at a weak moment and I should have gotten a bit more information…like how long they are staying Stay tuned!
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In my life as sitcom, Saturday’s episode was called “Jedi Mama.” It was game day (BC beat USC in a huge upset FYI) and the campus was closed to traffic. Tim said there was no way they were letting us through. Security approached my car.
Me: hi. I am his mother and will be driving on campus directly to his dorm.
Security: (nothing…moved the cones)
Tim: how did you do that?
Me: these are not the droids you are looking for.
Tim:
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In my life as sitcom, I was dropping off a client’s Mercedes to be serviced while they are away. After dropping it off, filling out all the paperwork, etc., the customer service rep asked me if he could get me a loaner car for the week. There was that little cartoon bubble over my head for a moment of “ooooooh, free Mercedes for a week,” but alas the Irish guilt prevailed and I explained that my son was already waiting to drive me home.
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In my life as sitcom, I think we need a second pan of lasagna for the boys of summer…4 college guys and Mike…I think a big salad and one pan may lead to a mutiny!!
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For my life as sitcom, note to self: the best remedy for too much wasabi on chopsticks is never to lick it clean. #holyclearsinuses
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In my life as sitcom, of course the handyman comes up behind me just as I am dancing around the kitchen to cheer Jack up. The upside is that my embarrassment cheered him up far more than my dancing. Good thing I have the moves like Jagger.
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n my life as sitcom, we had a comedy episode today in core class. I corrected Mark, because…well, that’s what mothers do…and the teacher teased and asked if I knew him. I said, “yes, he’s my son.” The ENTIRE class said, “he’s your SON??!?” Me: “yes, they both are.” Class: “They BOTH are? No way.” Have to say that it made my day.
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In my life as sitcom, Bandit’s lead, which never gets tangled, today got stuck, requiring me to run barefoot through the snow in my summer pj’s to rescue him. Once the frostbite heals, I will commence my happy dance because Timmy comes home today!!!!!!!!
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Who is ready for some good news? In the sitcom that is my life, y’all know that Mark’s phone was stolen in Florence. Well, one of my friends from Holy Cross, whom I have not seen in 25 years, has a sister who has a daughter who happens to be in Mark’s international finance class in Barcelona! And my friend’s sister just happens to be flying to Barcelona Wednesday and would be happy, of course, to deliver Mark’s phone!!! That never happens!! Yay!!!!!!!!
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In my life as sitcom, I made it through the million workout day, came home, sat on the couch, and looked down to see the dog-vomit covered carpet. Seriously. There must be hidden Candid Cameras someplace!
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In my life as sitcom, I just received an email, supposedly from a doctoral candidate in the UK, wanting to know intimate details about my feet for his research. You can’t make this stuff up. I referred him to Rex Ryan and am off to teach my next class
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In my life as sitcom, I was in the middle of a computer crash when Verizon was here switching our phone, internet, and tv so I had to do the registration on my iPhone…and I had a headache the size of Texas…and well, this led to my permanent, uneditable new email for Verizon being: [email protected]. Look closely Walah. Yep. Well, hollah back. Oy.
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In the sitcom that is my life, today’s episode is “you good little kitten, you found your mitten, and you shall have some pie!” iPhone was found and returned to Tim from the study lounge (that’s his story and we are sticking with it!) He’s off to Canada with his phone, Mark is happy at Fairfield, and I am coming back Jack!! One of the things I have realized at this Town Clerk training is that Pelham is not as small as I thought it was and it is in really good shape!! Happy Friday!!
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is called: Rainy Day of Defecation. After 7 hours of driving in this rain, fog and black ice, I arrived back home to my own personal 2014 version of Chicken Little. Not me, said the chicken! So, kind of tired I walk into my house and there is literally poop on the floor everywhere. I was thinking, good Lord, could no one let the dog out?? And then, upon closer inspection (because when I am cranky and exhausted there is nothing that I enjoy more to unwind than sticking my face down to inspect dog feces), I realized that Bandit had not pooped all over three different carpets. Nope. Someone in work-boots had stepped in dog poop and chose to wipe their nasty boots with vigor on my carpets to clean their boots. Yep. You can’t make this stuff up. So, I have now scrubbed all the carpets and floors by hand and sanitized them, but for future reference, please note: if you step in dog poop and intend to come in to my house (including the residents of said abode), know that I would rather throw your boots in the garbage and buy you new boots than to have to scrub poop out of the carpets. Going to commercial break and hoping for better things in the next episode
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In my life as sitcom, my brother Ryan had at one time changed my name on my iPhone to “Rocket Mama”…which was kind of funny when Siri addressed me as Rocket Mama. And then there was the iOS7 upgrade…and all my work emails went out from Rocket Mama. Sigh. Quick edits on my contact list for myself and they all lived happily ever after, and Ryan gets to live another day
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Happy Bastille Day! In my life as sitcom, while attempting to ride a bike home with the cousins from an event last night, my challenge was that the pedals were no longer one up one down…but both down simultaneously, making rotation (in heels) unlikely at best. Luckily, knights in shining golf shirts had tools to save the day! Happy Sunday!!
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Tried to mop the floor to find that there is a hole in the bucket…all I could think of as the water cascaded everywhere was this… my life as sitcom. where the heck is Henry??
Harry Belafonte and Odetta – There’s A Hole in The Bucket
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Well, that didn’t take long! In my life as sitcom, the police have already been here this morning and called for backup. Heard noises downstairs and thought it was Jack. Found Jack sleeping….and a crazy squirrel tearing my first floor up and now trapped in Mark’s room. Stay tuned!
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In my life as sitcom, today’s episode is entitled “The Foiled Fiesta.” If your teens say that they are invited to a party at my house, this is not true. Just rumor. The PM police will be circling by to make sure The long arm of the Strong Mama, lol. Carry on with your normal, no power activities after the commercial break.
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In “my life as a sitcom,” thank goodness that prior to running out to watch the games with a friend I took a nano-second to look in the mirror. Yeah…my new black top is sheer, completely sheer. Phew. 5 minutes and some accessories later and I was good to go. I suppose if it was actually a sitcom, I wouldn’t have noticed until IN the restaurant. All’s well that ends well, but that was close!
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My life as sitcom: after an essentially sleepless night, I walk in from work. Me: why is the dog locked in his crate? Child: he pooped in my room. Me: did you clean it up? Child: no, I was saving it for you. Me: Saving it? You save me the last strawberry, not the dog poop. Child: well, last time I tried to clean it up, I vomited on the poop so I thought this would be better…just poop without a side of vomit. (Sigh)
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In a new episode of the sitcom that is my life, I made a pumpkin Bundt cake (am I the last person on earth still making Bundt cakes?) for Jack to welcome him home from Florida…and all day I have had Peter Sellers’ voice in my head saying “pumpkin Bundt cake” as if I were stuck on the Pink Panther set.
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In the sitcom that is my life, orientation ran late and Tim missed his train home. Luckily, God cast 40 cousins in my sitcom, and he has already been adopted for the night so today’s episode can end happily, on time and under budget
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I am such a freak magnet. Seriously. If I was the statue of liberty, my sign would say “bring me your mentally deranged and emotionally unstable.” Oy!!!!! Always makes for a good episode in the sitcom that is my life
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Still at jury duty…got the text that my dog pooped on the carpet and the child that tried to clean it up vomited in that effort. Awesome. My life truly is a sitcom.
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Ok. Everyone who has ever met me knows how much I adore my boys. BUT what part of “book club is at our house tonight” sounds remotely like “my friends are coming over so please leave your sweaty jock strap on the floor in front of the front door so everyone has the joy of walking over it??” I live in a sitcom.